Two million dollars is “pennies” according to the finance guru.

Did you know you need anywhere from $5 million to $10 million to comfortably retire early? That’s according to Suze Orman, who spoke on the “Afford Anything” podcast.

She goes on to say:

“If you have $20 [million], $40 [million], $50 [million] or $100 million, be like me, okay. If you have that kind of money and you want to retire, fine.”

To which I have to politely ask of the lady with the ultimate “Can I speak to the manager?” haircut, what the hell is she smoking?

$20 million to retire early???

Are we retiring in a downtown Manhattan loft with a personal limo chauffeur service and a live-in butler named Yeevis? Are we settling down for the golden years in a gated mansion in Beverly Hills, with a private helicopter pad to avoid downtown rush hour traffic?

You have to be in the top 1% of wealth to buy a cheap condo in Tampa, FL and play shuffleboard in a pair of loafers? What kind of unexpected expenses might a senior citizen run into that they’d NEED $20 million plus for? A full T-Rex skeleton that’s suddenly become available on the black market? A Blue Origin trip to the moon? A cybernetic sex robot? A 24K gold toilet?

Statistically, the bottom 99% cannot achieve $10 million or more by retirement. So Orman is basically saying to work until you die.

My issue here is not about working hard to become wealthy. Nor is this about hating the rich. I’m all about grinding to become Mr. Monopoly.

What I’m not about though is what I’d call toxic wealth accumulation due to uncertainty paranoia. A mindset rooted in chronic anxiety. Making money and building wealth should be an empowering process. Not one you do out of fear the sky is going to fall on you if you don’t have “enough.”

Interestingly, some in the finance community agree with Orman. The Yahoo Finance articles states:

This idea resonates with a segment of the financial community that sees the wisdom in ensuring a substantial financial buffer to address uncertainties in retirement, especially given potential long-term trends such as increasing health care costs and ongoing economic fluctuations.

I get it. Twenty-plus years of retirement is a long time. Anything could happen. A civil war. Meteor strike. Or just a good old-fashioned $58,000 heart surgery.

But how much calamity can one reasonably prepare for that justifies sacrificing your entire life working? Wealthy Cubans were turned into paupers overnight when Castro took over the country. All of John Jacob Astor IV’s millions couldn’t save him from the sinking on the Titanic.

Say you do get to $10 million or $20 million by the time you’re 85, and you’re finally ready for an Orman-approved retirement. So what? You’re fucking old. How much life do you even have left? What are you going to do then, climb Mount Everest? Yeah, right. You’re going to sit at home, watch TV, and bitch about politics like everyone else. You know how much that costs to do? Well, NOT $10 million, that’s for sure.

These kinds of click-baity pronouncements by Orman and others are meant to be “helpful.” Except they really come across more like hyperbolic sales talk from people trying to sell a pyramid scheme.

I’m all about chasing the money dragon to a reasonable extent. If you’re someone with a worthwhile career that’s put you on the path to the top percentile, great. CEO, Instagram influencer, entrepreneur, elite assassin, by all means keep riding that carousel. But if you’re like most, and slaving away at Dipshit, Inc., dont think you’ve got work till you drop just because Suze “Karen Hair” Orman says so. Go live your life.