They’re also what’s possibly killing the dating app industry.

Online dating is a pathetic slog anymore. Which is why I gave it up years ago. It’s like rummaging through the junk drawer looking for your favorite keyring, and instead finding a rusty pair of scissors, chewed-up No. 2 pencils, and a coupon for Lay’s Potato Chips that expired 18 months ago.

Dating apps make it easy to doom scroll through infinite faces, thumbing left or right with snap decisions. Though I found it was often what was written (or the lack thereof) in the bios that put me off, no matter the attractiveness of the face. People put so little thought into their profiles when it’s all you have to go on.

Your writing reveals a lot about you. What and how you write can indicate your intelligence, wit, self-awareness, education, social class, and perhaps even your character.

Here are some annoying cliché phrases I came across far too often, and my no-holds-barred opinions of them.

“If you want to know more, just ask.”

Thank God, because I have a detailed census questionnaire to send your way.

I mean, of course if I want to know more, I’ll just ask. No shit. That’s the whole idea of using an online index of random single people. Do you think if I find your profile and become interested but I DON’T see an invitation to “just ask” I’ll just be stuck wondering what to do next like a Sim person walking in place against a wall?

“ . ”

No, that’s not a mistake. I’ve really come across profiles with nothing on them except a simple period. Yes, some people do this with the intention of filling in their bio later, but I’ve seen it on profiles I knew were weeks old.

What is it about bio pages that stymies so many people? How hard is it to write about yourself? Even just a few lines? Are women too modest? Are they skeeved out by putting down details about themselves onto the internet? It shouldn’t be that hard to summarize yourself in a few sentences. No doubt any woman at least in her early 20s and beyond has had to do job interviews where they’ve had to talk about themselves on the spot. Yet a simple bio page renders them mute? Weird.

“I’m fiercely independent.”

This is like the “Eat, Pray, Love” of 28+ professional boss bitches. Yeah, we get it, you’ve got a business degree and you’re making $78K a year in the big city working for Dipshit, Inc. Congrats on making it to mediocrity. Girls really do get it done.

If you’re truly “fiercely independent” then you’re most likely not really interested in a relationship. Those are kind of 50/50 things. So then why the hell are you even on here? You do realize that a phrase like “fiercely independent” sends a not too subtle message of unfriendliness, hostility, and a desire to be left alone, right?

My theory is that this phrase springs up due to an unconscious conflict between a woman’s need for affection and her feminist I-need-a-man-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle social conditioning. Like how in Get Out the personality submered in the Sunken Place emerges when they see a flash of light. “Fiercely independent” is the compromise. Yes, I deserately need love. But I’m also totally strong and independent, too.

“Fluent in sarcasm.”

Aww man, just what every guy wants. A sarcastic asshole to deal with.

I saw this one a lot as well. I suspect it’s evidence of the toxic “Twitterification” of discourse. Or it could be a stupid Moo-llennial thing, in which one becomes buried under so many layers of irony and unseriousness that one’s head becomes lodged up one’s rectum. Or maybe it’s just another bothersome cliché signifier of hipness and badassery.

It’s one thing to be snarky writing online articles or tweets. Or with your friends at the bar. But I wouldn’t lead with my ability to caustically banter if I was trying to attract a partner.

“My kid(s) are my whole world.”

I bet they are. If only contraceptives or the idea of choosing a man who isn’t a loser or psychopath to be the father of your children were also your “whole world” as well. Maybe then you wouldn’t be a broke single mom on a dating app looking to snare some poor sucker who should know better.

I don’t date single moms for the same reason I don’t visit places like Chernobyl or go on deep sea dives inside oil barrels operated by Xbox controllers. No man should. And if more didn’t, this epidemic of single mother households would begin to diminish.

Fellows, please. You’re not a stepdad. You’re a step-sucker.

Single moms will write this down to communicate how much they love their child(ren). Which is great, of course. But how much could you really love them if you’re willing to bring some strange man into their lives, especially one who may have no kids of his own? There are substantially higher rates of conflict and abuse between step-family. To say nothing of the difficulties that often occur in the adjustment period of a new family dynamic. It’s rarely The Brady Bunch.

“Tired of the games. I want something real.”

This is almost always written by someone with excessive baggage. Baggage that they brought on themselves due to poor partner decisions and bad lifestyle choices that they’ve taken little to no acountability for. When I see this it’s the equivalent of seeing those highway reflector cones police put up near a bad wreck. Proceed with caution or avoid altogether.

A common variation of this is something like, “Looking for a real man.” Or, “I want a real man.” Excuse me, but what the hell does that even mean? What is a “real man?” There’s never a concrete definition. It’s just an empty phrase. You might as well be asking for a “good person.”

“Are there any real men left?”

Nope. We were all replaced in the 1970s with pod people. Didn’t you know? It was known as The Great Swap. The Deep State’s been covering it up. I’ll probably be killed for mentioning it.

Aside from the slightly insulting and entitled undertone of this cliché phrase, there’s also the subtext that a woman’s screwed around a lot with fake men (i.e. fuck boys) and now that the party of her youth is over, is looking for a legit relationship that doesn’t involve being used like a public toilet. Or it’s evidence of relationship baggage and “trauma.” Either way, it’s just more highway cones.

“I’m not here for hookups.”

This one isn’t totally bad. It’s like putting up a “Please stay off the grass” sign, even though you know the neighborhood kids are going to come clomping through anyway.

Except very often, like the previous two phrases, it’s indicative of a woman with a rough past. Of one who’s trying to break out of the party life. It even comes off like it’s something she’s telling herself more than telling potential guys scrolling through the app. Like an affirmation.

And does it even work? Will your typical fuck boy read that and go, “Hmm, this one will obviously be immune to my innate charm. I think I’ll leave her alone. Afterall, if she wrote that, she must surely mean it.” Or will he be like those neighborhood kids and come racing through the corner of the lawn anyway? If I know fuck boys, they usually don’t follow the rules or care about things like feelings. That’s why they’re fuck boys.

“I’ve been hurt before.”

Thanks for letting me to know that you’re in all likelihood a complete basket case. I’ll be sure to steer clear.

Why would you broadcast this? What is the relevance? What am I, a random dude, supposed to take from this statement? Is this supposed to activate some white knight gene that will compel me to ride to to the rescue? Is this like a Bat Signal for simps, to come and lavish you with emotional support and free dinners? GTFO of here. Learn to deal with your past on your own and be discreet about things. You think you’re the only one? Everybody’s been hurt before. That’s life.

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Anyway, that’s quite enough. I appreciate the numerous women who used the above clichés in their shoddily-detailed “profiles” that resemble more the scribblings you’d see on a toilet stall than a mini-biography indicating one firmly resolute in finding a suitable partner. They served as excellent sign posts alerting me which entities to avoid. They also saved me money as I realized paying for a subscription was clearly a total waste. They might even be the reason Bumble’s stock has crashed 90% since its inception. Who knew clichés could kill a billion dollar industry?