You think being broke and destitute is bad? This is far worse.

Forget Covid. Forget Monkeypox. Don’t even think about H.I.V. or Ebola. There’s a new pandemic threatening to strike soon. It’s called ‘“Sudden Wealth Syndrome.” What’s that, you ask? A recent Yahoo Finance article explains:

Sudden wealth syndrome is a real challenge for people who suddenly get a lot of money. Children who inherit enormous sums or receive unexpected wealth may experience overwhelming anxiety and uncertainty about what to do with all of their newfound income.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds downright terrifying. I once found $200 on the ground as a kid and I had to be hospitalized for six weeks due to acute shock. I couldn’t even imagine the impact of a million dollar windfall on my fragile psyche. Surely, that would kill me. I’m no longer worried about bleeding blood from my eyes, losing my immune system, or being covered in puss-filled lesions, I’m worried about waking up every morning with eight figures in my bank account.

So, what’s driving this new epidemic? Is there anyway to avoid this scourge? Or are we all doomed?

Well, as it turns out, Sudden Wealth Syndrome, will likely only effect the super wealthy. More specifically, their kids. There’s a generous tax incentive for inheritance that’s set to expire at the end of 2025. Right now, individual parents can transfer up to $13.61 million tax-free to their children, while couples can transfer up to $27.22 million.

But that tax incentive is scheduled to end in a little over a year. Many wealthy people are worried that if Democrats retain control over the White House, they won’t renew the benefit, and may even increase taxes. This has prompted a stampede as parents try to hand down their wealth before the window of opportunity closes. If that happens, the amount that can be transferred down tax-free may drop by a whopping half.

The article goes on to state that over the next decade, 1.2 million people worth $5 million or more will pass down over $31 trillion. The vast majority will come from those worth more than $30 million.

My heart goes out to those poor people who will soon be suffering from this ravaging new disease. I’ve had the good fortune of associating with a few trust fund kids in my life, and let me tell you, it’s not their fault that they’re often entitled, condescending, lazy assholes who think the world revolves around them. Those traits are just symptoms of Sudden Wealth Syndrome. They’re helpless victims in all this, and this new scourge threatens to only make things worse.

Is there nothing that can be done for these poor souls? I sure hope the CDC is cooking up a vaccine or some kind of cure for them. Should we hold a telethon and ask for donations? Maybe not. More money would just make things worse.

Luckily for the super wealthy, I’m here to help. I’m starting a professional counseling service. For the low rate of $700 an hour (plus travel and lodging expenses), I’ll happily lend guidance and emotional support during this troubling time. Note: my services are only available to heiresses aged 18–25 with modeling contracts, and my counseling involves sensual massages and seductive pillow talk.