We’ve all got to go sometime. Just hopefully not like this.

With Halloween just passed, death has been on my mind lately. It might be due to the changing fall season. Or it could be due to recently watching horror flicks Barbarian and the latest Scream films.

How in the world does the Scream franchise keep chugging along? I thought it ran out of gas 15 years ago. Guess audiences will never tire of watching a dude in a mask stab people in the face.

Of course, if I have the choice on how to die, it’s definitely NOT going to be via some psycho going stabby stabby with my vital organs. I’d much rather die peacefully and in my sleep, with loved ones gathered around.

But sadly, not everyone gets to go out that way. Some people have died in freakishly weird and distubing ways. Ways that keep me up at night. Here are a few of them.

Guy Dies Accidentally Stabbing Himself To Death Trying to Separate Frozen Hamburgers

This story is why our moms warned us to always cut away from our bodies when using a knife or a pair of scissors.

Barry Griffiths, age 57, lived alone, and apparently was in the process of making himself hamburgers for dinner. His freezer door was left open. Thawed meat left on the counter. Police say it was an “unexplained” death, but that while separating the burgers, he inadvertantly stabbed himself. He was found on his bed several days later. Griffiths lived alone, and by all accounts was a “private” man. He also had limited use of one arm.

This death disturbs me because it’s so mundane and random. All the guy wanted to do was eat his dinner. You could easily imagine this poor fellow eager to make himself a meal, only to wind up slowly bleeding to death from the stomach. Blood was found throughout the kitchen and hallway. Making matters worse, he died alone. Who knows if he could have been saved. Many times people who are injured are in shock. If someone had been there, he might still be alive.

Guy Gets Himself Trapped Upside Down In A Cave And Dies 27 Hours Later

Why people go cave exploring where it involves squeezing themselves into VERY narrow crevices without knowing if there’s even an exit will never ever fucking make sense to me whatsoever. Why do that? Just why? Seriously, why?! I know there’s nothing good on Netflix to watch anymore, but that’s no excuse.

I say this as someone who liked doing bike tricks off ramps as a kid and has gone skydiving. I’m okay with some unnecessary risks. But not that.

John Jones was all of 26 when he and a few friends decided to go cave exploring at Nutty Putty Cave in central Utah back in 2009. They were in search of a passageway called “The Birth Canal.” Only Jones mistook an unmapped passageway for the correct one, and wound up becoming permanently stuck. Rescuers tried to pull him out, but the angle in which he was trapped made it almost impossible. At least not without breaking his legs in the process. Just look at the above diagram to see what I mean.

Actually, don’t look at it. That shit is pure nightmare fuel.

Still, rescuers were able to get Jones partially pulled up, before their rope and pulley system collapsed. Joned eventually died later. They were forced to leave his body there. The cave was sealed to prevent anyone else from accessing it in the future.

Man, what a way to go.

Danish Astronomer (And Guy) Dies Due To A Burst Bladder After Refusing To Leave A Banquet

Look, we’ve all been in social situations where suddenly nature came calling, forcing us to quickly find a place to do our business. When I was a little kid I once went number two at a hardware store when I found a row of display toilets that I evidently thought were working models. They were not. No, were not.

Tycho Brahe, aside from having probably the coolest-sounding name ever, was a prominent scientist in his day. He also famously lost part of his nose in a drunken duel with a fellow academic over who was the superior mathematician. Nerd fights were hardcore back then.

While at a banquet in 1601, Brahe felt the need to urinate. But he refused to leave, as he thought it would be seen as improper. So he wound up staying. But later, when he did try to pee, he could only go a little, and only very painfully. He languished in his bed for eleven days, before eventually dying from what many modern medical experts deem a burst bladder.

This death freaks me out because it demonstrates how social pressure (real or imagined) can compel people into doing self-destructive acts just to be “polite.” It also shows how even geniuses can be catastrophically stupid.

Teenaged Guy Eats Slug On A Dare, Goes Into A Coma, Becomes Paralyzed, And Dies

Speaking of social pressure, this next freaky death happened because of a stupid dare amongst teenaged boys. In 2010, 19-year-old Sam Ballard, an Australian who liked playing rugby, was hanging out at home on his patio with a couple friends when a slimy snail happened to come crawling by. Prompted by a dare to eat it, Ballard scooped the creature up and swallowed it. Yes, alcohol was involved in this decision.

Almost right away, Ballard began to feel negative physical effects. Before long he was in a coma for over a year. When he finally awoke, he was paralyzed, and required a feeding tube and 24/7 medical care.

It wasn’t actually the snail itself that did Ballard in, however. It was due to a parasitic worm in the snail called rat lungworm disease. This worm is particularly harmful to humans because its larvae can spread to the brain, causing eosinophilic meningitis. This causes the membranes of the brain and spinal cord to swell. Ballard eventually died in 2018.

What makes this death especially haunting is the fact that Ballard retained his mental faculties until his death. He was fully aware of his surroundings. Making matters worse, his friends had to live with the fact that they had all played a hand in his demise. We’ve all done dumb things on dares. Or done stupid stuff while young. Ballard paid the ultimate price for doing something that probably seemed silly and harmless in the moment.

Guy Is Pushed By Jealous Friend Down A Manhole Into Boiling Water, Dies Later From Scalding Burns

This one is so bad it even gave a New York medical examiner nightmares.

In 2002, Sean Doyle, a NYC bartender, went out drinking with his friend Michael Wright and Wright’s girlfriend. At some point during the night, Wright accused Doyle of flirting with his girlfriend. While details aren’t clear, Wright wound up throwing his friend down an 18-foot manhole. Unfortunately, there was a broken main at the bottom leaking out boiling hot water, and essentially turning the narrow confine into a pressure cooker. Trapped down below, Doyle was, according Dr. Judy Melinek, “steamed like a lobster.”

Making this even more horrific, steam burns don’t kill nerve endings the way regular burns do. This meant that Doyle likely suffered all the way until his death. Emergency services arrived to help, but they were unable to retrieve him due to the 300 degree temperatures down below. By the time his body was brought up, his skin was completely peeled off, and his internal organs were cooked.

Undoubtedly, this ranks pretty high on the list of worst ways to go. It disturbs me not just because of the graphic and painful death, but that it started over an argument. Some men can become stupidly jealous and violently possessive when it comes to their girlfriends. Wright was later charged with second-degree murder. But there are conflicting reports about what really happened. His girlfriend maintains that the two men were just roughhousing, and that Doyle only accidentally fell in the manhole. I don’t know about that. If the girlfriend is covering for her boyfriend, that makes the whole thing even more tragic.

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Well, that’s enough dwelling on death. I may never leave my house again. From now on, I’ll be staying indoors 24/7 wrapped in bubble wrap and seated on a nice plush sofa.