Our country’s resident genius factory needs YOUR money and they need it now.

No, seriously. Why? Why does Harvard, a name synonomous with ultra elite education; a bastion of uber smartypantsism; the university whose name you have to say with the proper inflection(it’s HAH-verd, not HAR-verd) or else you’re glanced at askew with disdain — need desperately to suck President Trump’s nipples for that sweet federal funds milk?

According to Axios, the Trump Administration is freezing $2.2 billion in funds due to “diversity, equity and inclusion practices and alleged antisemitism.”

Wait a minute. Is this not the same university that once saw the likes of boy wonder tech wizard Mark Zuckerberg grace its halls? The Zuck who hacked into the university’s computer system so he could steal photos of female classmates and rank them according to their looks for his website Facemash? The same Zuck who would go on to found Facebook, now Meta?

Last I checked, Zuck’s networth is almost $200 billion. $2.2 billion is like chump change to him. Why doesn’t Harvard just call The Zuck up and ask him to spot them a few billy? Did they lose his phone number or something? What if they made an account on Facebook and tried to “poke” him? Is poking still a thing?

(Plus, Zuckerberg is Jewish. So him handing his alma mater a gigantic check would help dispel the whole antisemitism thing. Two birds with one stone.)

Or what about President Obama? He graduated Harvard Law School. He should know all kinds of loopholes and tricks. He’s a lawyer, afterall. Even if he couldn’t help, he might know someone else who could. He was the Commander in Chief. He probably has a big network on LinkedIn he can tap.

Or what about calling JG Wentworth? Doesn’t Harvard remember the slogan? “It’s my money and I need it now!” Just call 877 CASH NOW. So easy.

Meanwhile, Harvard is shitting its pants about losing their few billion. University president Alan Garber says:

“For the government to retreat from these partnerships now risks not only the health and well-being of millions of individuals, but also the economic security and vitality of our nation.”

This guy Garber should change his name to Gerber. As in Gerber baby food. As in he sounds like a big crying baby. This is Harvard, dude. You have the smartest, the best, and the brightest people on the planet within arm’s reach! There’s no need to get hysterical. You swing a cat and you’re gonna hit someone making the next trillion dollar tech start-up.

Harvard getting its panties twisted over this is like Lex Luthor freaking out that Superman might fine him for jaywalking. If I were a student or graduate of Harvard I’d be embarrassed.

I’m sorry, but if Harvard can’t figure a way out of its little $2.2 billion problem, then I don’t see it being any better than your local community college.