The ‘Barbie’ company is about to blast its toy box all over the silver screen. Are you ready for this Cambrian explosion of cinema?

With the super successful Barbie movie in the billion dollar club at the box office, Mattel is ready to unleash the rest of its numerous branded toys into theaters.

It all started in 2018, when new CEO Ynon Kreiz, faced with declining toy sales, decided to transform Mattel’s catologue of toys into movie IP. Just like Marvel did. And like WB tried with the DCEU, and is trying again. And what Universal tried with its disastrous “Dark Universe” with 2017’s The Mummy. Everyone and their grandma is trying to make a cinematic universe. But will Barbie end up being Mattel’s Iron Man, or will the smash satirical hit prove to be a one off? Time will tell.

In the meanwhile, Mattel has 14 projects in various stages of development, according to Variety. This got me to thinking. What would they look like? What would they be about? Would they try to make them super smart, super feminist, and super socially-conscious like Barbie? Or would each be its own thing? Would they be connected, with a big Avengers-style mash-up every few years, or would they be stand-alone projects? How the hell do you even make a movie about Uno?

Well, I did some research on these upcoming films, and let’s just say I can’t wait for this MCU to get started! One thing I was very impressed with was the diversity of themes and ideas I found, and the piercing social criticisms attendant with each property. Here’s just a few of the plots and info of upcoming films I discovered coming out soon from Mattel:

Polly Pocket

What is it? Miniature dolls and accessories that you can fit in your pocket.

Theme: Female empowerment.

Plot: Polly Pocket and her friends discover they were invented by an evil man who wanted to make little toy women that fit in your pocket, because he thinks all women should be small and easily controlled. But they turn the tables on him when, through the power of friendship (and glitter) they become super-sized, and stick him in a tiny house.

Tagline: Is that a Polly in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

My thoughts: This is such a great idea whose time has come, and I think it will make a billion dollars at the box office easy.

Hot Wheels

What is it: Toy racing cars with rad designs.

Theme: Female empowerment.

Plot: A bunch of schlubby middle-aged good ol’ boy mechanics working at a car shop get put in their place when a newly hired 20-year old female with both beauty and brains, comes aboard and starts making these newfangled vehicles she calls “Hot Wheels.” When her models start selling like hotcakes, it becomes a full-on gender war. But not to worry, she easily comes out on top.

Tagline: Hot (and also Strong and Independent) Wheels

My thoughts: This is exactly the kind of deep intellectual satire you can sink your teeth into. We need more movies where stereotypically-presented alpha males are put in their place by flawless young women who are both equally beautiful and brilliant. I don’t think men realize that women can like cars, too. But after this movie comes out, the whole world will know that hell yes they can.

Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots

What is it? Little robots you control and punch the heads off of.

Theme: Female Empowerment.

Plot: Forced into a life of endless and mindless violence fighting in a ring, a toy robot is at last given a chance at peace when his human controller switches from a violent, mean and dumb little boy, to a peace-loving, very smart little girl.

Tagline: He won’t knock off your head, he’ll knock off your heart!

My thoughts: Such brilliant satire. And the irony, too. A violent robot boxer who learns to love peace and pacifism. I think Terminator 2: Judgment Day is going to get a run for its money for most likable robot who won’t kill when the world finally gets to meet our main robot character, Rock ’Em.

American Girl

What is it? Another doll, but American.

Theme: Female empowerment.

Plot: A little boy decides he’s had enough of being a little boy, and becomes a little girl instead. But not just any girl. An American Girl.

Tagline: (sung to the tune of American Girl by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers) He was…an Americaaaan Giiiiirl!

My thoughts: Just reading the plot made tears stream down my cheeks. What a touching, smart, and very empowering story about girlhood, femininity, femaleness, and the wonder of women. I’m marking this one’s release date on my calendar. I just hope the theater provides enough tissues, LOL.

Magic 8 Ball

What is it? A pool ball that gives vague but somehow correct answers.

Theme: Female empowerment.

Plot: When a mysogynistic middle-aged man discovers a magic eight ball that gives 100% correct answers, he gets the shock of a lifetime when the answer to his every inquiry is: “Women are always right.”

Tagline: Are all women infallible and wonderful? All signs point to yes!

My thoughts: I don’t need a Magic 8 Ball to tell me to go see this movie when it premiers. I’ll be camped out over night to get tickets, that’s for sure.

UNO

What is it? Playing cards with rules that are way too complicated to learn. Why can’t we just play Old Maid?

Theme: Female empowerment (with a touch of anti-patriarchy)

Plot: When a woman becomes the CEO of a major toy manufacturer based in Southern California, she deftly manages to ward off every criticism from the misogynistic men in the boardroom by using magically endowed playing cards that reverse their hostile feelings.

Tagline: Meet the girlboss who’s about to be numero Uno!

My thoughts: I’m going to go ahead and call this one a royal flush. It’s like Anchorman meets The Mary Tyler Moore Show meets Big, inspired by the incredible true story of Theranos run by legendary female CEO Elizabeth Holmes. With that many classics smashed together, you know it’s going to be good.

View-Master

What is it? Some cheap plastic thing you look into to see blurry pictures of things.

Theme: Female empowerment

Plot: When a nasty, 98-year old misogynistic man is gifted a magic stereoscope by a fairy princess that allows him to see the hurt his thoughts and words cause to others in the world, he changes his sexist ways, and becomes a male feminist.

Tagline: He’s had eyes his whole life, but he didn’t SEE until he was 98.

My thoughts: I’ll be very surprised if this isn’t in contention for Best Picture. It has the kind of character arc you used to only see in classic films, not to mention a very timely theme you rarely see talked about in movies today. If Clint Eastwood is still around when this gets made, he’d be perfect for the lead. It’ll be the role he’ll be most remembered for without a doubt.

That’s all I could find for now. Aren’t these great? I’m not sure any of them will be at the level of Barbie, or bring in the same kind of box office. But I do know I’ll be waiting in line at each one on opening night. See you there!