Should I join in this fight for “justice?”

A few weeks ago I got an email from Amazon alerting me that I’m party to a class action lawsuit against Clif Bar & Company.

You know Clif Bars, I’m sure. Those little brown rectangular granola “sustained energy” bars that cost way too much. The bougie version of those super crumbly Nature Valley bars. The bars with the wrapper that shows some guy mountain climbing that makes you think, “Oh my God, if I eat these I could be a mountain climber, too.”

Well evidently, Clif Bars has gone and done something heinous. Something awful. Something so terrible that some guy named Ralph Milan went and filed a class action lawsuit against the company.

What did Clif Bars do? Did they fiendishly put fentanyl in select bars, hoping to cull part of the active granola-eating population like some mad comic book villain? Did they replace some bars with plastic explosive set to detonate when the wrappers were opened? Did they replace the raisins with the calcified bodies of cockroaches?

What devilishly malicious scheme did Clif Bars do to warrant the ire of Ralph?

Apparently, Clif Bars did this, according to the settlement website (bold face mine):

A proposed settlement has been reached against Clif Bar & Company (“Clif Bar”) in an action alleging that Defedant violated certain laws in labeling its Clif Bars and ZBars with claims that made the products seem healthy, when Plaintiffs allege they were unhealthy due to their added sugar content. Clif Bar denies any wrongdoing of any kind and maintains that its products are not unhealthy due to added sugar content and that the statements on its Clif Bars’ and ZBars’ labeling are true and not misleading.

Holy shit, this is worse than anything I previously mentioned. Clif Bars alleged on their packaging that their products were “healthy” when in fact they were not healthy because of added sugar content.

This is like a personal 9/11. I eat Clif Bars all the time at work!

I’m a victim of Clif Bar’s vile and evil masterplan to sell overpriced and oversugared granola bars. I too was swindled, deceived, hoodwinked, made a fool, and poisoned with slightly excess sugar, all while believing I was consuming a healthy snack. It’s a travesty. A disaster. A traumatic edible experience from which I’ll likely never recover.

Much to my alarm, I still had the toxic treats in my kitchen when I received this email. Luckily, I had a biohazard suit hanging nearby (it’s a long story) and was able to discard the dangerous packaged rectangles of doom into an outdoor dumpster. I just hope the raccoons don’t find them. What if they eat them and mutate like the ninja turtles and that green ooze? I’m not Splinter. I can’t train a pack of mutant trash pandas to fight crime! I don’t know the first thing about kung-fu.

Clif Bars has already made a settlement for their atrocious misdeed. They’re paying, get this, $12,000,000. All I have to do is file a claim and I too could get a slice of that (non-sugary) pie. That’s a lot of cheddar for a lot of improperly-advertised granola.

Should I join this class action lawsuit? Should I file a claim and take the fight to Big Granola? I feel like Luke Skywalker flying down that trench and getting ready to fire a proton missile into the ventilation shaft. I feel like Neo learning to control the Matrix. Jake Sully fighting the imperialist humans in Avatar. You get the idea.

Of couse, I still have the right to sue Clif Bars myself. And now that I think about it, maybe I should. Afterall, their packaging still says their bars offer “sustained energy.” Except whenever I’ve eaten them, I’ve never had what I would call “sustained” energy. Energy, yes. But NOT sustained. More like very fleeting energy. Sounds like I have grounds for a massive lawsuit right there. Shall we say, ten million to begin, to ease my pain and suffering?

Then there’s the packaging itself. Showing some guy mountain climbing. I’ve never once felt the need or ability to go mountain climbing while eating Clif Bars. In fact, I think if I did, I’d probably fall and kill myself, despite eating a Clif Bar beforehand. So is Clif Bar & Company trying to kill me? Sounds like attempted manslaughter right there, though I’m no lawyer. That’s another easy ten mil or so.

I’m glad Amazon alerted me to Clif Bar’s pure evil, and about my chance to cash in big on this wretched and outrageous criminal enterprise.

Have you eaten Clif Bars, too? Did you survive? Are you a sad victim and entitled to compensation? I’ll see you at the Rolls-Royce dealership when the settlement check clears.