You pay far greater in time, money, stress, health, and inconvenience than whatever you get for “expanding your horizons.”

Once a year or so I have this fight with the lizard part of my brain that inexplicably wants to go places for some reason.

“Dude bro, you never go anywhere.”

(My lizard brain, Dude Bro Guy, is a guy in cool shades wearing a Hawaiian shirt with his hat on backwards).

Me: Yeah, that’s because I hate spending money, hate flying, hate airports, hate staying in hotels, hate eating out at restaurants, and am annoyed by/hate most people.

“But dude bro, you gotta get out and see the world, man.”

Me: Literally everything about traveling is my definition of hell.

“The world, dude bro. The woooorld.”

This year Dude Bro Guy won out, and I visited Thailand on a tour, as well as a brief stopover in Manila, Philippines, which turned out to be a complete disaster. More on that later.

I’d been wanting to visit Asia for a long time. Well, I’d been wanting to get overseas period for the longest time, too. The last time I left America was 2001 when I went to Israel, not counting an afternoon in Tijuana, Mexico. (By the way, don’t visit Tijuana, Mexico, it’s a depressing shithole.) That was back when there were regular suicide bombings in Israel. It was also one month before 9/11. I was just coming out of the Southern Baptist Church cult which I’d grew up in, and wanted to check out all the hot spots I’d read about in the Bible. I was a real Christian groupie back then, and so seeing the Sea of Galilee, the Dead Sea, The Wailing Wall, and all the churches and temples — well, the equivalent was like a Beatles fanatic visiting Abbey Road or Liverpool.

Fast forward 23 years and I felt way overdue for a visit to someplace not under U.S. jurisdiction. I follow a lot of expats on YouTube based out of the Philippines and Thailand, and a part of me wanted to check out Southeast Asia just to see what it was all about. My job offers a generous work schedule and time off. I secured nearly three weeks off, using almost two weeks for the trip itself.

I booked a tour through a site called, appropriately enough, Tour Radar. It’s basically a giant listing site of numerous oufits offering tours to just about any developed place in the world. Except Russia. Which sucks, because I’d really like to go there at some point.

I signed up for a nine day tour that took me through Bangkok, Chiang Mai, ending in Phuket. I saw the White Temple, the Blue Temple, the Black House, an elephant sanctuary, the Kayan people aka the Long Neck Karen Village where the women wear rings that stretch their necks, a few awesome waterfalls, and a cool place in Phuket called Lion Land where you can actually pet lions. Of course, I made sure to take some long walks through each place, giving myself a personal tour.

The tour fee was just under $2,000 for just myself. I notice on Tour Radar that a lot of the trips are more expensive if you go by yourself than with a partner or as a group. So, look out for that if you decide to book on there. With the flight costs, some additional hotels, souvenirs, meals, and odds and ends, the total cost was around $5,500 for my two-week vacation. A steep price for a little horizon expanding, for sure.

Included in this mega vacation was a stop in Las Vegas for two days en route to LAX before flying over the Pacific. I visited the Philippines on my own without any tour guide, so that added onto the cost. I went on 11 flights, which let me tell you, is grueling as hell. Though I really enjoyed seeing some of the Asian airports. Especially Hong Kong’s. That airport is an immaculate cathedral. It’s quiet, clean, and little old Chinese ladies hold up signs to help guide you on your path when you get off the tram. It’s the complete opposite of virtually every American airport, which are mainly loud, dirty, filled with savage children, punks running amok, and mean-mugging TSA goons snarling at you for not moving at light speed through their little safety kingdoms. Incheon Airport in Seoul, South Korea is pretty superb, too.

So, was it all worth it?

Well, Lion Land certainly was. The big cat sanctuary offers multiple feline options for visitors. You can play with cubs, see the medium-sized lion, the big lion, or the white lion. I went with the big one because why not. I felt mild terror getting in the cage with the lion. Especially when I saw the trainers only had little wooden sticks for “security.” They only use the sticks to make snapping noises as cues for the lion to behave how they want. So if the lion were to decide he’s going feral that day, it’s not like there’s anything they can do to stop him. But the lions at Lion Land are all well fed and socialized to be as tame as any wild animal can be. I even got to feed the big lion a meat kabob. I quickly got over my fear (somewhat), even laying on the lion’s back at the trainer’s prodding. In the picture below I’m holding my hand over my heart. Yeah, that was to keep it from beating out of my chest. If you’re ever in Phuket, I do recommend checking out Lion Land.

I enjoyed the rest of the sights in Bangkok and Chiang Mai. I’m not religious, so seeing the many Buddhist temples was not particularly awe-inspiring apart from the impressive feats of architecture and the artisty of the statues. Many people took pictures of themselves kneeling and praying at the Buddha statues. I’m not into prostration or overt acts of worship, so that didn’t appeal to me at all. I liked going on hikes through nature and seeing waterfalls. There are a number of elephant sanctuaries outside Chiang Mai you can visit. You can feed, walk with, and hang out with the elephants in the jungle. You can also bathe them, which I did not do. I’m not getting into water where giant animals relieve themselves. The elephants are tame, though they will accidentally nudge you out of their way if you’re not careful while walking on the path with them.

As for the rest of Thailand? Obviously, the country is famous for its party scene and red light districts. I drink very rarely, so I don’t frequent bars. I’m not into the red light scene, not the least of which is I really don’t care to catch an STD. I donate blood regularly to the Red Cross and would like to keep doing that until I’m old.

There are numerous massage parlors all over Thailand. And I do mean numerous. They are to Thailand what Starbucks is in America. Literally on every corner. I probably went to a dozen while I was there. Cost of living is insanely cheap in Thailand, as many people know. A one hour massage costs about 300–400 Baht, or about $8-$12 USD. Here in America I pay about $80, so I made sure to take advantage. And no, in case you’re wondering, these were not “happy ending” massage parlors. Such places do exist, but they’re usually not on the main roads where most of the tourists stay.

The food is cheap, too, and pretty good for the most part. I avoided eating from any food trucks while I was there, sticking mainly to restaurants. If you’re ever in Chiang Mai, I recommend a place called the Gecko Restaurant. I had a decent salmon dinner there for about $9 that would have cost about three times that in America.

I’m not a fan of tropical environments, and obviously Thailand is hot and humid. Temperatures ranged in the 90s for most of my trip. It only rained briefly while I was in Phuket. My hotels were mainly resorts and top notch, relatively-speaking. It’s easy and cheap to get around. There are taxis, or you can use the rideshare app Grab. Transportation had been a big concern for me that kept me from visiting previously, so I was relieved to see Thailand has its own Uber-like app. You won’t have trouble going places on your own if you want.

Also, the internet was remarkably reliable almost everywhere I went. I used the international plan with Verizon and except for when I was in the deepest parts of the jungle I had a decent connection with video, social media, and everything.

Do beware of the mosquitos, which are ferocious, and seem immune to bug spray. I practically bathed myself in it during my hikes, only to still come back covered in massive bug bites. Mosquitos in parts of Thailand can spread things like dengue fever, Zika, and other diseases. I checked with the Red Cross before I left on whether a visit to Thailand automatically rules you out from donating blood for a period. It doesn’t exactly. It depends on certain locations. There are parts of the country that are red zones. I won’t be able to donate anytime soon anyway due to my sickness, but it’s something to keep in mind if you visit.

Overall, I enjoyed Thailand. However, you do not need to pay for a tour company like I did. In fact, I really think the $2,000 I paid was a waste. You can reserve your own hotels online. At many hotels there are kiosk tables set up where you can book all kinds of activities. Then the next day a van comes to pick you up and take you and whoever else signed up wherever. Thailand is very tourist-friendly, so they make it very easy to do stuff over there.

I would also say that if you’re planning on going, probably just stick with Phuket. That island has everything the mainland has, including temples and elephants. Stay at one hotel and just take day trips to wherever. You can get from one side of the island to the other in about half an hour. There are also activity kiosks everywhere. If I ever go back to Thailand, I’ll probably just fly directly to Phuket and set my own itinerary. Flights from LAX to Phuket are sometimes decent ($800-$1000 for coach), so a vacation there is not unreasonable. Just be sure to take into account the time change. Flights out of LAX for Asia often leave late at night, which means you sometimes arrive two days later at your destination (Thailand is twelve hours ahead of the U.S.). Be prepared for some serious jet lag.

After Thailand, I decided to check out Manila, Philippines. I did this to take advantage of the cheap flights from Thailand to Manila. One way tickets go for around $200 or so. However, going to the Philippines turned out to be a mistake as I got food poisoning the very first night and was laid up sick for my entire brief stay. Don’t ever eat at a place called The Filling Station in Makati. It’s an Americana-style diner that looks like Jack Rabbit Slim’s from Pulp Fiction. I had a burger and a milkshake there that left me feeling like Mia Wallace after she snorted Vincent’s heroin thinking it was coke.

This was right before Thanksgiving, too. I was sick the Tuesday and Wesnesday. Then on Thursday I felt well enough to try eating again. I opted for KFC, as the chicken outfit is big over there in Asia. I ordered a bucket, only to find that food disgusting also. I managed half a leg before tossing the whole thing out. So I went 0 for 2 on meals that didn’t taste like shit on a stick. That was my Thanksgiving “dinner.”

As an aside, how is KFC able to stay in business? They’re seriously terrible. KFC tastes like soggy wet rags soaked in grease. KFC sucks ass in the Philippines, too. Just unbelievable that a company can put out such a shitty product and not only stay in business but thrive.

Since I watch a lot of expats talking about how great the Philippines is, I was really looking forward to checking the country out. So, I’m sorry to report that pretty much everything I saw there disgusted me. Aside from the food poisoning, there were prostitutes hanging out on the street harassing me everytime I stepped out of my hotel. I should mention, too, that sex workers in SEA can be aggressive. I went down the wrong street in Phuket one night and one grabbed me and wouldn’t let go until I pried her arms off my body. The ones in Manila are just as aggressive. They’ll follow you around asking if you want a “massage” and whatnot. It’s all a ploy to get you inside where they’ll either rob you or give you a “massage” for a price. They’re so bad that there are even signs posted on business windows warning about the “massage scam.” All the while the police stand around and do nothing. A trangender prostitute got in my face and wouldn’t leave me alone until I ran off. It’s so bizarre seeing sex work thrown at you so blatantly in the middle of a major city. It’s like something you’d see in a dystopian ’80s movie. The hotel I stayed in smelled like a gym locker crossed with a ratty bodega. The streets were crowded, polluted, and loud. Traffic was completely out of control. There were homeless everywhere. Creepy dudes kept coming up to me trying to sell Cialis and Viagara pills. Local TV sucks. The only thing I found worth watching was HBO. It was a mess. On top of it, I was sick the whole time. So, the Phillippines was a rotten time. I may give it another shot at some point, but we’ll see.

I will say this. My trip to SEA, and my first international trip in 23 years, only confirms what I knew all along — traveling is fucking overrated. You pay far greater in time, money, health, and inconvenience than whatever you get out of the experience. I’m still sick from my visit to the diner from hell. I’m not saying I’ll never visit another country again. But the optimum time to travel abroad is when you’re young and the world is still all sunshine and rainbows. Especially if you can travel in a friend group, like from college or something. The only other way to travel is if you’re super rich and can stay in all the best places and fly in a higher class. Sitting in coach on a 14-hour flight is a goddamn nightmare. Any other way and traveling is mainly just a waste of time and a big pain in the ass.

All of a week into my trip, even before I got sick, I honestly found myself just wanting to go home. I was relieved and happy to be back in the United States. After having seen SEA for myself, I don’t understand these passport bros on YouTube who are all bouncing off the walls with joy just being over there. Yes, the cost of living is cheaper. But you get what you pay for. These are developing countries with poor infrastructure. The tropical climate is oppressive. You have the rainy season. Pollution and poverty are widespread. Real poverty, by the way. Not American “poverty” where people still have four walls that are enclosed, flat screen TVs, iPhones, and access to various resources.

On my taxi ride into Bangkok, I saw shanties literally built on top of trash-strewn rivers underneath and between the highways. People live in one-room apartments that lead out into alleyways, and make a living with a food truck or by selling trinkets. I saw elderly women sleeping right out on the sidewalk. I get that passport bros and retirees are taking advantage of geographic arbitrage by living in a cheaper area. But in reality all their crowing about “living in paradise” is cope. They are mainly brokies slumming around. And it’s honestly sad to see the level of deprivation there.

Yes, the women are far more welcoming. I started a Tinder account on my way to the Philippines to experiment, and sure enough, I instantly got a lot of legit likes and messages. Had I not gotten sick I would have lined up a few dates easily. But there again, the culture over there is very different. Most of the women are only into foreign guys because they want to date a rich Westerner. Not because they are just so filled with love.

I’m glad to be back home. I’m done with traveling for now. That’s not to say Dude Bro Guy won’t convince me to venture out again. I still haven’t seen the sights in Europe. Maybe that’ll be next year.