Probably the most sarcastic article you’ll read all year.

When your franchise’s latest installment sounds like a brand of female sex toy, you might have a problem.

“Girlfriend, my Acolyte just came in the mail. My weekend is all set.”

How do you keep up with the torrent of Star Wars content these days? I barely remember my own birthday anymore while there are whole YouTube channels and publications devoted to following this garbarge.

I’ll tell you one thing. None of this new stuff feels epic. It all puts off weird local hipster playhouse energy. As if the same cornballs behind Lesbian Interpretative Dance: The Musical, or My Vagina and Me, A Monologue, were suddenly put in charge of a billion dollar brand and told let ‘er rip.

The original Star Wars and even Empire Strikes Back felt on par with stuff like Lawrence of Arabia or Dune or Lord of the Rings. The new shit feels small and unimaginative, and so slick-looking it looks like it was shot inside an empty bag of potato chips. Really, go compare the recent Dune trailer, or Avatar: The Way of Water, to any new Disney+ Star Wars stuff. No contest.

I don’t give a shit about Star Wars. I never really did. I count myself lucky I never saw it as a young kid. There was a brief time when I was 15 or 16, after I’d seen the original ’77 release that I sort of got into it. I admired the storytelling and the special effects. But it was nothing really special to me. For me, the “saga” was contained to one very good film, end of story. I never cared for Empire because it was like a weird Muppet movie, and the “romance” between Leia and Han felt immature and highschoolish. The first half of Return of the Jedi was decent, then it became a wacky cartoon with teddy bears.

I will admit I was one of those suckers in 1999 who got swept up by the hype for Phantom Menace. Then I saw it, hated it, and realized the whole franchise was purely a cynical toy-marketing machine for baby-men. I skipped Clones, but did check out Sith out of morbid curiosity and because I was reassured it was “good.” It was not. It sucked, too.

I can trace back to the exact moment I lost all interest in Star Wars, and in fact, began to actively hate it. I was in some sports good store years ago, mid-2000s maybe, when I spotted a Jar Jar Binks fishing pole.

Even I knew Jar Jar Binks was the most hated character in Star Wars lore. And they’d made a line of fishing poles with his face on it? I couldn’t get over thinking about how at one point some lawyer had to have handed Lucas a form to sign to authorize the manufacture of a Jar Jar Binks fishing pole. And Lucas sat thinking yes, this is a great idea and a necessary thing for my legacy and franchise income stream. I saw that fishing pole as a symbol of the ultimate abandonment of art and storytelling and the selling of one’s soul in exchange for a few more pennies. From that point on, I began to despise anything and everything associated with this shitshow called Star Wars. It offended me on a deep level.

Then came the asinine sequels from Disney/Abrams and Rian Johnson. The Force Awakens, an obvious clone of A New Hope, only with an even bigger death star this time. It took me four nights to hate-watch Last Jedi, and believe me, it was paaaainful. That was the last I saw of the franchise. I recalled hearing about various Disney+ shows, but in the same sense as one hears in the news about a new virus discovered in the rainforest. Just something to be ignored while you hope you don’t get infected.

Having said all that, you might think I’d be the last guy in the world you’d want trying to save this sorry ass franchise. You’d be right, of course. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have some ideas.

1.) Make ‘Star Wars’ Bigger and Blacker

There are apparently armies of Youtubing dorks crying about how Star Wars is “woke” now, which is why it sucks so hard. I’m not entirely sure what “woke” means anymore, other than it seems to often boil down to the intolerable presence of too many Black people and/or gay people and/or gay Black people in a show or movie. The YouTubing dorks are very quick to point out how that’s not the case, insisting that wokeness is purely about left wing messaging and poor storytelling or something, NOT race. Except it’s rare that I see the charge of “wokeness” levied against any show where Blacks/Gays-A-Plenty isn’t the demographic distinction. Meanwhile, the show creators bray on about diversity and inclusion and other virtue signal corporate buzzwords.

Hey, if you don’t like Blacks or gays or whoever in certain roles or movies or shows, just say so. It’s perfectly fine to prefer whoever you want. It’s like dating. No one’s obligated to like everyone. Freedom of association extends to whatever garbage you care to scroll through on the tube. It’s kind of painful and cringe watching people contort and twist themselves in knots trying to justify or lambaste particular people or groups, using meaningless words like “woke” or “diversity” or “inclusion.” The supporters of diversity acting all open-minded, as if they don’t have an online cancel mob gun to their head. The opposers trying hard to toe the line between reasonable criticism and outright prejudice. It’s all make believe anyway. Just be up front about it.

Now personally, I say fuck both sides. Why make some watered down half-ass “woke” compromise? I say commit all the way. Make the next Star Wars show or movie with ONLY Black people. And not just Black people, but Black women. You set the story on a planet populated entirely by a race of aliens who happen to look like Black women. Strong Black women, to be exact. Then you introduce a villain. A White guy. That’ll be the only White character in the entire show. What’s his motivation? Who cares. What’s his name even? Who gives a shit. He’s White, he’s evil, ‘nuff said. Then, after, say, half an episode of setting up the characters and showing how strong, Black, and female they are, the villain shows up. Then you spend the next seven episodes just having the strong Black women beating the shit out of the evil White guy until he dies or goes away. You know the famous hallway fights from the Daredevil series on Netflix? Just like that, only for seven episodes. That’s it, that’s the show. Anything less than that is racist and insufficiently woke, as far as I’m concerned.

Yes, I know I’m being ridiculous here. But I’m trying to illustrate a point by making an argument by absurdity.

A good example of the type of “post-racial-don’t-give-a-shit-about-offending-anybody” sort of vibe I’m going for is what you generally see in a Tarantino film. Like, say, Django Unchained. That movie pulls no punches. Django starts off as a downtrodden slave rescued by a White guy. But he ends the film blowing up a plantation and avenging the death of the White guy who saved him, and freeing his wife. All while looking badass doing it. That movie made over $400 million dollars and earned Tarantino his second Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.

Another good example is Avatar. That is an anti-colonialist, anti-imperalist, very pro-environmentalist-to-the-point-of-worshipping-nature-itself themed film. It’s very “woke,” technically speaking. One might even say anti-Western and anti-American. It’s made almost $3 billion. Conservatives and liberals all went to go see it and both came away loving it.

Point is, nobody really hates “woke” shit. What they really hate is weak, pandering shit that tries to do this halfway in, halfway out deal to please everyone. If your goal is to make a racially conscious Star Wars film, then fucking commit to that hard. Don’t just sprinkle in a bunch of minority actors as tokens of some half-baked rainbow messaging scheme, and then go around pattting yourself on the back. Don’t try to make the movie equivalent of that stupid We are the World singalong from the ’80s, or more recently, that ultra cringe Imagine singalong all those actors did during the Covid lockdown.

Moviegoers are thinking, conscious beings. They respect movies that STAND for things, even if they may disagree with the messaging. Even if the world is alien and strange and runs counter to their own natural experiences. Think about it. Imagine if these movies were like people. Does anyone like the guy with no identity who goes around desperately trying to get everyone to like him? No, everybody hates that guy because he’s a fraud. Don’t be that guy. Be yourself.

2.) ‘Star Wars’ is in Desperate Need of Butt Sex

In an interview, Leslye Headland, the lesbian showrunner for The Acolyte crowed (kind of jokingly, to be fair) about the show being the “gayest Star Wars ever.” I’d link the original interview but I couldn’t find it due to there being a million YouTube videos of crybabies talking about it that I had to wade through.

Headland is now sort of passively walking back her statement, saying:

I don’t believe I’ve created queer, with a capital Q, content.

The Acolyte apparently has lesbian space witches who are able to summon the force somehow, or whatever. Again, I pick up most info about Star Wars these days through osmosis, as one hears about the latest sordid engagements of the pass-around slut in high school. I’m not watching any of this shit myself, as I have a life and things to do.

I will say, however, that I’m going to call Headland’s bluff here. She says it’s the “gayest” Star Wars ever? Well, I went back to watch the trailer, and I don’t see anything gay in it whatsover. No kissing between a same sex couple. No hand holding. Certainly no butt sex, either.

Again, what’s with all this half-ass compromise? You don’t run a race to come in second, to paraphrase the Apostle Paul. And I’m pretty sure Paul would also say that you don’t set out to make “queer content” unless you’re planning on earning that capital letter “Q.” So here’s my solution: Full-on close-up anal intercourse and lesbian grinding (I believe it’s called “scissoring”). That’s it, that’s the show. Just close-up shots of penis in ass and vaginas rubbing against other vaginas. Maybe you have a small part of the background just off to the side of a butt cheek or waist. That could be part of a compelling mystery every week. What planet are we on? Tatooine? Naboo? Vulcan? More importantly, who’s banging who? Then maybe at the end of each episode the camera finally pulls back and reveals who’s been fucking the whole time. Obi-Wan and Darth Maul? Or maybe it’s Yoda being a surprise power bottom to a vigorously thrusting Boba Fett. Maybe Leia had a lesbian phase in space college, and spent nights getting it on with Ahsoka. The possibilites are endless. Think of the viral memes when fans discover Lando liked to take a deep dicking from Greedo. Now we’ll know for sure who shot first.

A budget for a show like this I could see easily being $600 million or so for eight episodes. That’s money well spent. You might say it’s risky to show explicit raw gay sex in a franchise meant for the whole family, but you want to get people talking don’t you? I guarantee you that’ll happen when millions click on Disney+ and see Vice-Admiral Hodo butt fucking Jabba the Hut.

The underlying point here, is don’t misrepresent your show. Don’t do it to score some virtue signal points. Don’t do it because you’re just trying to impress your stupid woke friends in the office. Don’t do it, period. Not every piece of entertainment needs to be some activist content. You don’t get to go around saying how gay-friendly you are because you stuck some random same-sex couple in the blurry background kissing each other, or because your showrunner happens to be gay. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? What does you liking the same sex have to do with the character on screen swinging around a glowing plasma sword? If the answer is, “Well, nothing, I guess,” then kindly shut the fuck up. You don’t need to fill the air with a bunch of superfluous details about your sexual preferences. No one is looking at you like you’re some civil rights hero. You’re not being interned in a prison camp. You’re not self-immolating in front of the UN. You’re making a stage play about space wizards. For Christ’s sake, get over yourself.

3.) Dig Deep into Rey’s Sex Life

Rey Skywalker? More like Rey Sexworker.

I never saw the final installment in the last trilogy of films. I don’t even remember what it was called. The Force Wakes Up Again? Palpatine Has Somehow Returned? Oh, yes. The Rise of Skywalker. That’s it. Ugh. What a boring, predictable title.

I remember even less about the plot, except for a lot of people on the internet complaining about the mixedupedness of the romance. First Rey was with Kylo, obviously turned on by that sweaty shirtless moment with him in Last Jedi. Then they’re fighting for some reason. Then they’re back together again.

All the while Finn is trying or not trying to get Rey’s attention because he may or may not have a crush on her. And what ever happened with the thing between him and that Asian chick Rose? Or maybe Finn and Poe were supposed to be banging all along. Talk about a missed opportunity for a hot gay romance.

You see how frustratingly annoying and wishy-washy all that is? What a load of weak sauce bullshit. This is like the worst high school romance YA book ever written.

All of these people are grown adults fighting a fucking war. You think there aren’t times they don’t get lonely and desperate? You think they wouldn’t want some action on the side? Let’s be frank here. Rey’s hot. She’s young. She’s nubile. She’s got a cute British accent. The girl’s got it going on. You think she wouldn’t have a boyfriend or at least some admirers orbiting around her on Jakku? You think when Rey was a slave she never had to give her master Unkar Plutt a blowjob in exchange for a slightly less severe beating that day? Because I guarantee you she did. You don’t even want to know what happened between Leia and Jabba the Hutt when the camera wasn’t looking. You think Ms. Organa choked the like out of the fat slug just because he licked her once? Nah, look at her face when she kills him. That’s the look of a woman who got fucked in the ass raw, no lube. Sorry to break it to you.

What is with these big Disney spectacle films where every character must be utterly chaste and sexless and romanceless? Why must every character be as untouched and pure as an unboxed collectible Star Wars toy? Why must every potential romantic interaction be juvenilized and made a big joke? Star Wars and Marvel films are meant to be modern day versions of Greek myths. Remember how the Greeks and Trojans fought an entire war because some dude wanted to bang an uber hottie named Helen? Remember how those hot naked Sirens lured men off Odysseus’ ship with songs of sex and pleasure?

Some of the biggest films ever have had major romances at their cores. Titanic being a great example. It has a steamy sex scene and it still beat Star Wars in the all-time box office gross back in 1998! But even in other more family-friendly “four-quadrant” films passions have run high. Superman gives up his powers to bang Lois Lane in Superman II. In The Lion King Simba and Nala actually get it on. In an animated kid’s film, no less. The Justice League cartoon from the early 2000s had a number of romance subplots. Yet somehow a science fiction/fantasy war epic featuring battle-hardened adult warriors with magical powers can’t handle personal relationships beyond what you’d see at an awkward middle-school dance party. That’s just plain pathetic and weird.

I’m not saying you’ve got to have romance injected in every relationship. But these Star Wars characters feel like they were written by robots. They’re so sanitized. They lack warmth and humanity because the characters themselves are denied an entire component of human nature. You can call it the Game of Thrones-ification of Star Wars if you want. I call it writing as if actual adults are in your story and not pacifier-sucking toddlers in grown-up clothes.

4.) Make the New ‘Star Wars’ Movie a Bait and Switch Infomercial

This is honestly such a cynically crass but also brilliant idea I can’t believe Disney hasn’t done it yet. It’s distilling decades of relentless Star Wars marketing into its purest form, while deceiving fans into thinking they’re getting a worthwhile adventure. So, what Disney has done the last ten years, basically.

First, you create the most exciting and epic trailer of all time for the next Star Wars movie. When I saw epic, I mean fucking EPIC. You hire A-listers. You steal all those CGI computers they’re using for Avatar and use them for the most mind-bending special effects ever made. You hire John Williams and Hans Zimmer to co-write the most unbelievable new score ever written. You spend $1 billion, if necessary.

Second, you hype the absolute shit out of this trailer. You buy every ad space possible. You send every actor onto every show to do nothing but talk about it. You stage viral moments. You show people fainting and having to be rushed to the hospital after watching it. You kidnap Mr. Beast and make him do a whole video just about the new Star Wars trailer. You buy TikTok if you have to and only allow Star Wars-themed videos in order to totally capture Gen Z. Then, when you’ve got every person on the planet foaming at the mouth, you’re ready for the final step.

Step three, you premier the “movie,” only for it to just be a ten-hour long infomercial with some old lady in a blue sweater pitching Star Wars merch with a 1–800 number for people to call in and order. Star Wars Episode X: QVC. That’s it, that’s the movie. You could sell replica light sabers, original movie props, costumes, autographed portraits, and hey, maybe even Jar Jar Binks fishing poles, too.

If you’re going to commercialize your show up the ying-yang, then you might as well commit 100% to the bit. Just go all out. Stop pretending like you care more about crafting a good story than shoving the next pile of toys and dolls down our throats. There’d be more dignity in it. I’d have way more respect for Disney if during the next opening Star Wars crawl it just said, “Buy our shit or get out, suckers.” Rather than a bunch of silly exposition about the Empire still being a threat somehow.

Besides, you know at least every senior citizen in the country would sit for the whole ten hours of the infomercial “movie.” Oldsters go gaga for that QVC shit. You’d probably make a decent profit in the end.

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Anyway, I hope these suggestions have helped, or at least shined a light on some of the B.S. plaguing what is stupidly but evidently the most popular epic saga in American cinema history. I’ll never understand why that is. But I get it. Sort of.

If none of this has helped, then oh well. I don’t give a shit either way. Fuck Star Wars.