(Photo by Jonathan Borba from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/one-hundred-dollar-bills-14820416/)

Last night President Donald Trump offered $5,000 to every American adult if Republicans win the midterm elections.

I think this is a fantastic idea. Elected officials should not be wasting time trying to win anyone’s vote based on silly things like policy or ideas. We all know they are going to lie and do their agenda anyway. Instead, both parties should simply bribe their voters.

Well, I prefer to call them payouts. Cash money, baby.

I like to vote as if I am in a Mr. Beast video.

There’s only one problem. Five grand is way, way, too low. In fact, it’s far below my going rate. What can five thou really buy you? A base model Honda Civic perhaps. If it were the early 1980s, that is. But we’re almost into 2027. We are in what most sci-fi movies call “the future.”

These days five big ones will hardly pay for groceries. I went to the store the other day and I saw a T-bone steak going for almost thirty dollars. Was that cow a celebrity? Am I eating the Brad Pitt of cows? Box cereal is approaching ten dollars. That’s a lot of money for a bag of shamrock-shaped sugar.

Then you’ve got things like rent, education. Everything else. Others costs that have ballooned all thanks mainly to heavy government spending. And the increasing costs of this Iran kerfuffle and funding Ukraine. I can’t imagine a Patriot missile is cheap. It’s not like they sell those at Costo.

No, no. I’m afraid I’m going to have to set the rate for my precious vote at ONE MILLION dollars.

See, one million I can work with. One million, after taxes, is still about $600,000, which is just enough to still make me feel good. You can’t really put a price on democracy, of course. But $600,000 gives me a new house, a new car, and enough left over for a white picket fence. The so-called American Dream.

One million may seem steep. But I’ve always highly valued my participation in democracy. Back in third grade, during a fierce competition for class president, I sold my vote for ten Chuck E, Cheese tokens, a Pizza Hut single slice voucher, AND a Butterfinger candy bar. Some called that outrageous. Ten-year-old me called it the price of doing business.

In truth, the government has been bribing people to vote for decades. It’s called welfare. So, this is really nothing new. It’s just more stripped down and to the point.

The way I see it, the government owes me big anyway. I never received any of that sweet Covid stimulus money, as I “made too much.” As if the Covid-19 virus would have skipped right past my nostrils just because it saw my bank account balance. Yeah, right. I also don’t collect any welfare. I’m what you call a “net-positive” citizen. I contribute more than my share. So, why shouldn’t I get to price my vote at a million? It’s my right. There are people called superdelegates, right? And electors. People with high status who actually do the voting for presidential nominees.

I look forward to receiving my direct deposit prior to the Election. I take my bribe money up front, mind you. In full. And I don’t do payment plans.